crazy life!

Hey guys!
Sorry for not updating lately!!

Ever since releasing those youtube videos, my life has just been so crazy! I'm always signing autographs and appearing at bar mitzvahs and birthday parties!

Psychhhhhhhh!

I kind of wish, haha.

No, I've just been busy with school and work and junk.
But I can't wait until saturday ... my lover Lyndsay comes home from Vancouver!!!! Omg, I'm so pumped! I only got to see her for like half an hour this summer because she came home the day I left for Halifax, and I wanted to die. But now, I get a week, maybe 2, I dunno, with her and I can't WAITTTT! :)

I'm also in the middle of filming a new youtube video, full of nice things about all my friends. It's the perfect time of the year to reflect on all the amazing people I have in my life, and to let them know I appreciate everything they do for me : )

Love,
B

Wakey-Wakey!

Hey Guys!
Here's a new youtube video!
Be sure to check it out, and do a video response letting me know your morning routine : )
♥B

Youtube.

Please excuse spelling mistakes as I'm currently drunk at the moment.
also, I've made some youtube vidoes!
please watch them.
here's my fav so far.
it's alled 51 things found in my bedroom.
it's funny!
ENJOYYYYYYY

First : )

Yay!
This is my first blog from my MacBook!
I'm still getting the hang of this thing, but so far I love it so much!!
I'm not sure how to make videos yet. And I'm not sure how to upload pictures. But I'm sure I'll figure it out. I may have to contact my favorite ginger for some help though, hopefully she won't mind too much!
Well, I'm going to try to get an assignment done so I can go out tomorrow night!

Love,
B

Challenge!

Grab the book closest to you. Go to page 56. Find the 5th sentence. Write that sentence in the text box.

"The hill on the right, across the river from the hotel, had a Hindu temple high on its side; the hill in the middle, further away, held up a mosque; while the hill on the left was crowned by a Christian church" - Life of Pi.

I challenge everyone to do this, it's simple fun!
Send me a comment with your blog link and I'll def check it out : )

macbook-day

I wish you would light me up
and say you want me

I think for the first time this semester I'm fully prepared for a test. Which is not very good, but hey, it's better late than never!

also, my macbook is supposed to come in today!!! and you knows as soon as class is over, I'm going to be speeding home to wait by the door for the delivery man or woman, and I may hug/kiss/molest them at the door. That's perfectly legal/sane right?

I AM SO EXCITED!

ps: my new favorite love is grapes and cheese, together. YUM!

not soon enough

Dear Friends,

There's only so many songs that i can sing to pass the time
and I'm running out of things to do to get you off my mind
all I have is this picture in a frame
that I hold close to see your face everyday

With you is where i'd rather be
but were stuck where we are
it's so hard, your so far..
this long distance is killing me
I wish that you are here with me
but were stuck where we are
it's so hard, your so far..
this long distance is killing me

I can not wait to see you guys! It's been the longest 6 months and I miss the shit out of you!

oh.mm.geee!

Okay, so I'm sooo excited right now!!

I've been saving money since September for a trip, and well, sometimes plans change and instead of waiting until after the trip I purchased the new MACBOOK on friday!!!! I'm so excited! I've been drooling over that beautiful machine since it came out on Oct 15th, and I'm excited to finally be a part of the Mac family. I've always heard great things about Macs and the next couple days are going to be super slow, waiting for it to get here! It should be here on tuesday or wednesday!!

I'm actually thinking about starting to make some youtube videos or collab channels or something once I get it! But I'm still going to use the laptop I have right now for school-related functions. Basically, as much as I want to use the Mac 24/7, I have a horrible track record with technology so I've got to take super good care of my new baby, : )

More soon, once I get it : )!
♥B

me, me, me.

Sometimes I just don't get enough me time. And when I get me time, I waste it on the internet instead of doing productive things like school work.

I really can not believe that there is two weeks left of this semester. I don't feel like I've learned anything. Or that I've done anything significant! The only thing I do know is that I can't wait for it to be over, haha. I'm really hoping that next semester is not only more interesting but that I'm also more into it. I really do not want another semester like this one where I'm sleeping in class, not doing homework, doing half-assed projects .. I kind of want to do well. (Which may or may not come as a surprise to some people.)

I should be doing work right now actually, but instead I'm reading a book that's due back at the library tomorrow, How I Paid For College by Marc Acito, and I really like it. It's funny and witty and yet I can kind of relate to the main character, Edward, seeing as his parents don't 'get him' but my parents are at least paying for my school, even if it's something they want me to do. haha.

I suppose I can get in another chapter before my next class starts. I hope everyone's having a wonderful hump day!
♥B

no need to say goodbye

Wow, how quickly I forget about blogs.

Sorry I haven't been blogging a whole lot lately. Trying to juggle end of term coming up, having test after test and assignments due like crazy and working 15-20 hours a week at BP is getting the best of me. I've hardly got time for myself, let alone blogging.

My lack of me time is starting to show, which is why I've got to fit in more gym time this week, haha. Gotta make sure I look sexy for Cuba in March.

Also, I feel horrible but I'm flip flopping between host families for next year and it makes me sick to even think about. I don't know who to choose, where to know, how to apply for visas, how much money to start saving and I really think I've started looking too early. Like 4 or 5 months too early. Eff.

Hopefully things will work themselves out!
♥B

perfect

Today was just one of those perfect days.
I laid in bed until 4:30.
I talked to some wonderful people
I hung out with A.
and got to see C & R!
AND I was talking to a friend from Australia, and I might move there for a bit in the future, maybe after Germany / in between au pair jobs!?

Who knows. I just want to travel, and can't wait to do it.

[whore]oscope

'High energy levels will propel through a hectic day. You'll be a dynamo of action, and you'll get so much done in a short time that you'll be able to skip out early. Then, it'll be best to race home where you can crash on the couch and do absolutely nothing.'

oh, i wish this were to come true. : (

as usual, i've left this damn assignment to the last minute. and i have to work 5-close tonight so i won't get home until after midnight. and i'm not even close to being done.
effword.
why do i do this to myself!!

Obama!

Finally, things are starting to look up!
Obama is the new President Elect of the United States!
Change was needed, and change was granted.
I'm proud of our neighbors for voting the right candidate!
: )
Love,
B

Election Fever

I've been following the American election with more interest than I thought I would ever have. And I'm very much pro-Obama. I think he's the best choice and I really wish that I could vote. Canadians, and everyone else in the world for that matter, are going to be affected by the results of this election. If McCain is elected, no, I don't even want to think about it. To all Americans, get out there today and vote! Make your voice heard, and make election history, VOTE!

really?

Really?
...
Really?!

It's time to grow up. You're not in high school anymore. This kind of behavior is not acceptable in the real world. You're not only embarrassing yourself, but also the people around you. I'm not just referring to one of you, I'm referring to multiple people.

I'm so disappointed.

we will not grow old

oh my, i love random road trips! last night, after a surprisingly great night at work, E, C and I decided to follow those stupid starfish signs that have popped up all over my hometown these past couple weeks. We had no idea what the hell these signs meant, but at 12:30am, it seemed like a good idea. It took us down into Baie-Ste-Anne, and then into Pointe Sapin and then magically became Kouchibouguac! We died laughing when we say the sign for the Kouchibouguac National Park ... like what the balls. The starfish signs were actually the good damn Acadian Coastal Drive and let me tell you how NOT impressed we were. haha. At least we got a good scare, went on a little adventure and saw a fox and a moose!

hanging on too long

each day, you occupy less and less of my mind

urgh

Lately, something has been wrong inside. I'm not sure what it is, but my body doesn't feel right. Something is off. I like to think I know my body well, and it's different. A normal 20-year-old shouldn't have to nap in order to get through the day. I shouldn't be tired all the time, regardless of how much sleep I get. I shouldn't be moody, grouchy or snappy for no reason. I just wish the hospital will call so I can go for some fricking blood work and hopefully they'll find something, anything, a reason for all this craziness.

It's 1am and I can't sleep.

I just want my body back!

adele

won't someone give me the chance?

covered

I first heard 'Good Morning Starshine' while watching the movie 'Hair' and really liked it, but I've recently stumbled across Serena Ryder's version of the song and it makes me like the song even more. This movie reminds me of him, just because it's one of his favorite movies.

It's Matt's birthday next weekend, and I really want to go to Halifax to see him but I don't really want to see him. And I can't believe that after so many months, I'm still not completely over it. It's kind of sad. I mean, I'm over what happened, I'm over wanting a relationship, but I don't think I could handle seeing him with someone else. Maybe I just like to think I'm over it. Although I don't know why I wouldn't be, I mean we've hardly talked since June except for occassionally on facebook but I don't know. Urgh, I hate talking about him all the time and there's things I want to say, but can't even bring myself to type the words.

Life throws you curveballs sometimes and I wish this was one I knew how to handle, and throw right back. Maybe I just need someone new in my life. Maybe I just need a change of scenery. Who knows at this point, all I know is that I'm sick of feeling this way.

: (

I really need to focus on stupid school! Urgh, this is not working at all. I've got a paper due on Monday worth 20% and I haven't even started. I have project due the next week worth 20% and I haven't started that either, and there's way more to that. I'm kind of screwed. I just wish I liked my courses, and didn't want to blow up the school. I really just want June to get here really fast so I can move back to Ontario and then to Europe. Please dear God let my plans actually go through, pleasepleaseplease let me figure something out to get to Europe... also, I'd like a pony. kthanks!

♥B

the truth

wow, this is so my life. it's exactly what i did this morning before getting out of bed to get ready for school, hahaha

laptops make life much easier, if you ask me. I go everywhere and do everything with mine in my house! I listen to music on my laptop while showering, creep people on facebook while in bed, look up cheats for the wii in the living room, talk to people on MSN while cooking in the kitchen, I'm a huge wireless whore. I would die without it. Well, yes. yes I would.

speaking of ....

speaking of starting a new eating habit, this is my horoscope for today:

what are the chances?

Realizations

I had a dentist appointment yesterday and usually they are my favorite types of appointments, but not this time. The amount of cavities that I have, is so disgusting and embarrassing that I'm forced to rethink my eating/drinking habits and how they affect my teeth. For example, did you know that if you put a penny in a glass of pop for a week, the penny will completely dissolve? I'm going to be conducting an experiment and taking daily pictures to see if this is actually true, but even just the dentist telling me that was enough to spook the crap out of me. She also mentioned that orange juice, which is one of my favorite juice drinks, is not good for teeth because of the large amounts of citric acid. Candy, which you know clearly, is not good for teeth either and for me, it's the mints at work because I usually snack away at them my whole shift. Although last night, I didn't have any pop or mints. I'm quite proud, haha, it doesn't take much.

I'm really hope to keep up with this whole diet change, as it will make me healthier anyway and I still have some weight to lose before spring break ... Cuba baby!

That's another thing, : (
I really want to go to Cuba with my friends, but I also really want the new Macbook that just came out. They're roughly around the same price so I know that I can not get both. I want both, but financially, that's not realistic. Althoughhhh, I did just start waiting on tables last night, and that means more money will be coming to me ... but $1500 before the end of February is a lot of money and a lot of waiting tables, haha.

♥B

oscar

Holy crap.
I'm some cranky this morning.

I was doing that stupid HR project, and I don't feel like I got anything done. Oh well.

I also had a little convo with Chris last night. It gets easier to talk to him, but I did have a slight anxiety attack afterwards. I really want to be friends with him, I'm just not sure how long it will be.

And effword. I just got my HR midterm back, and I got a freaking 67%! FUCK. Whatever, it's a pass. I'm over it.

♥B

still shocked.

I really don't get it.

An election was called.
People wanted change.
Millions of dollars were spent promoting change.
And what do we get?
Another Conservative minority.

I really just don't understand how Canadians see that Stephen Harper is good for us. I understand that in some ridings, people vote for the candidate and not the party but in the end, you're voting for the party... did that not come into ANY consideration? Stephen Harper has been described as the Canadian George Bush. WHY IS THIS MAN BACK IN POWER?

I'm so disgusted right now.

i wish

'I wish I was little bit taller
I wish I was a baller
I wish I had a [guy] who looked good
I would call [him]
I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat
And a '64 Impala'

I'm so hood.

and also so behind in school work.
eff me.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

somebody's gonna cry tonight

I can't wait til next summer!

I was talking to my aunt last night and things at her place are so great right now! Her kids are so smart and amazing, I can't wait to see them! But the main reason I can't wait to go is to see my best friend's mom. His mom is morbidly obese and she recently had surgery to have a band placed around her stomach, I can't think of the name right now but my aunt was telling me how a man in the waiting room yesterday had his band put on in July and had already lost 71 pounds! I can not wait for her to be healthy!! Of all the years I've known her, literally all 20 years of my life, she's always been obese and it's going to be so nice to see her healthy! She's one of the nicest women I've ever met, and has a hard life and she totally deserves this. My aunt put it perfectly when she said 'The surgery was expensive but if it's between a new car and your life, there's only one proper choice to make' and she's so right. I can't imagine the struggles and obstacles she goes through just doing everyday tasks carrying all that extra weight. I'm so ridiculously proud of her!

On a less happy note, I've got a STATS mid term in less than 2 hours, and I'm not sure how prepared I am. I've gone over the review questions, I've legitimately tried to study, but I can't seem to do it. Stats is just so boring, so tedious and I know it's something I'm not going to use in the real life after college that I'm so anti-work right now. Although really, I'm quite anti-all my classes right now. They all suck. I can't wait to graduate in June! It can't come fast enough!

Well, I suppose I should go look over my notes a couple more times, even though it probably will not do much good, haha.

♥, B

Bonjour class

This year of school is flying past so fast. I can not believe it's already the first week of October and next Monday is Thanksgiving. Everything is happening fast, and I feel like I'm not doing anything productive. I need a night where I just focus on school and get a least one of my papers done, and work on my HR project, and maybe do some more work on the business plan. And I definitely need to study for my entrepreneurship midterm on Thursday and FOR SURE study for my stats midterm on Friday .. considering I've done nothing in that class so far.

Today I received an email from my Research & Writing instructor and it was really nice. She expressed her worry for me missing class, sleeping in class and being overall not focused or interested in being there. And I didn't lie, I told her I don't like it. I feel like I'm in this program for the wrong reason. It shouldn't be about pleasing my parents. It shouldn't be about 'having a back-up plan' as my mom calls it. I want to be in design school. I don't understand what is so hard for my parents to grasp about that. I think I'd do really well there considering it's what I'm interested in. I actually think I'm going to take up sewing and painting. I'm not challenged in my day-to-day life and really need something with some sort of substance to keep me sane while I live here.

Don't get me wrong, I love hanging out with my friends, it's just sometimes I feel the need to be creative, or do something other than sit around, tan, eat out or watch movies. It's never a dull time with them, I just keep feeling like I need something more.

♥B

when in rome?

Here I am, on the eve of my first mid-term of the year, Intro to Human Resources, and what am I doing? Not studying, that's for sure. What am I doing, you ask? Well, I'm watching 'When in Rome' with Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen! I love their movies so much! They remind of my (clearly, quite gay) childhood and watching them at Alicia's! I figured I studied enough earlier and a quick little look over before I go to bed, and I'm praying I'll be all set.

Even if I'm not, as long as I passed I'll be happier than an fat man at an all-you-can-eat buffet!

♥B

Readers!

Okay, this is just a little quickie update before I start getting ready for work, but

yay!

I have readers!! I'm really excited actually! That must mean I'm interesting enough that people wanna know more. I was really contemplating giving this whole blogging thing up but I'm more encouraged to write more! Those two anonymous posters means that maybe there are others, who just didn't comment ... which makes me excited and scared. I love it!

I'll try to get some more blogs up soon : )
♥B

hmmm..

I feel like I should be blogging about things.
Not just 'school sucks' 'i hate this town' and stuff like that.

I feel like there's important issues to blog about and that my insight would/could be valuable .. even though no one reads this blog, haha.

(As a little side note, if you read this, could you leave a little anonymous comment letting me know, just so I know I'm not blogging for the little elves inside this shittastic laptop)

So let's see what's in the news today!

• Debates - Canadian: Okay, I watched about 10 minutes of it and the agression and childish feeling I got from the whole thing was unreal. They were arguing like children. And poor Mr. Harper was getting the shit end of the deal .. Which he should because he sucks as Prime Minister and we definitely need a change. I'll refrain from posting my political views in lue of avioding arugments ... just know that I'm very anti-conservative and will not be voting that way.
  - American: I didn't watch this debate but I follow twitter and read the news enough to know that Sarah Palin is a moron and should not be VP. And secondly, after reading the news about the views and opinions of John McCain, I truely believe that he should not be President. I really hope to God that he doesn't get elected into office. The US economy is already fucked because of Republicans. There needs to be a change everywhere.
• Global Warming - No one can tell me that global warming is not in effect, and that we should not be worried about it. This is such a big deal right now, I do not understand why more is not being done. There are websites after websites letting people know how they can make a difference and most of the time, it saves us money! Why would you not want to take two seconds to unplug things when you're not using them? Your power bills will thank you, I promise! There are so many simple things you can do to help save more energy and therefore do your part in saving our planet. It's the only one we've got people, let's take care of it.

And I think that's all for today. I started thinking about talking about giving blood and how I'm unable to now, and a couple other things but I realized I would just be ranting and freaking out and just thinking about that right now is almost giving me an anxiety attack .. aka, not fun.

So, until next time ... leave me a comment if you read!
♥B

ik vond een familie!

Hey guys!

Remember how I said I wanted to au pair in Europe?!
WELL!
I think I might have found a family for July 2009! It's very early to tell but we've been emailing back and forth and I really hope this happens! The family seems very sweet with two young children and they're from the Netherlands! COULD YOU IMAGINE?!

I'm so excited, I really hope this au pair thing works out!!

: )

standing in the sand.

This song reminds me of summer, obvi.
Also, I'm sick as balls and not loving it, at all.
: (

you're all i need

I miss my friends : (

It's weeks like this that I really appreciate the friends I have here at home, and really miss the ones that don't live here!

All my girls live far away, like Katie who lives in Halifax and Lyndsay who lives in Vancouver! And it sucks that I didn't get to really see either of them this summer because of me living in Ontario. I'm going to try to go to Halifax to visit Katie, I've just been putting it off because I'm terrified of see Christopher and it being as awkward and weird as it was last time.

Seeing Lyndsay is another story, considering Vancouver is on the other side of the country : (. I really hope to maybe fly out there at the end of next summer for a week and fly to Europe from there. That's the plan at the moment, if plane tickets are not crazy expensive!

I miss my summer friends too : ( I can't wait to see them again next year, American Eagle was such an amazing experience and I loved working there and certainly miss working there, as well as the amazing employee discount, haha.

I just basically want to say to all my friends that I LOVE YOU!

beep beep boop beep boop

Oh dear.
All this staying up late every night, working more than I have in 2 days than I did some weeks in the summer, is totally starting to catch up. I'm damn tired, all the time.
Fuck, I've fallen asleep 3 times today in class. THREE TIMES! Lord, I'm a mess. hahaha.

back to the grind-stone.

So,
It's back to school time, and it's just wonderrffulllll.

First, I decided to transfer to the college in my hometown. I had all the paperwork filed out last June, called this school multiple times to make sure I was registered for the Sales & Marketing course for September 2008 and guess what? Surprise, surprise, I get here and I'm not registered ... or on any files even though I had already paid for my tuition and all other fees. OH, and to top it all off, they decided they weren't going to have the Sales & Marketing section this year. Thank-you very much for letting me know this in advance. Douchebags.

Now I'm stuck in courses I don't like, nor want to be in, completing a diploma that I also don't really want but am doing just to have 'something', living in a town I hate all for nothing.

Thank God for my friends & [sometimes] family, otherwise I doubt I would make it through the year.

near to you

I've learned recently that he hooked up with someone, and not telling me. I'm not sure if he's doing it on purpose, but I'm not someone he can fuck when I'm around and other people when I'm not. I'm supposed to stay at his house when I leave Ontario in two days, and I really hope that nothing does happen between us, that I'll be strong and say no. We're just friends, and it's probably better for the both of us if we keep it that way. This way, I won't get hurt when it ends again, and he's free to do as he pleases.

I've been listening to a lot of 'A Fine Frenzy' lately and one song, Near to You, really hits me. I need to just completely and udderly move on. I still feel like I want to make it work, like I want things just to go back to the way they were before I left. And I don't believe that it's going to be a healthy way of thinking for me. I love him, but it needs to be as a friend only and I'm sure over time, it's going to get easier and easier. I also feel like going to Europe will really help clear my mind and perspective on the whole situation in knowing what I want for me and my future. Here are the lyrics to that song, and this is the link to her myspace, http://www.myspace.com/afinefrenzy

He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back

Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be

He's disappearing
Fading suddenly
I'm so close to being yours
Won't you stay with me
Please

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I belong
Where you are

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
Though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.
Yet, I'm better near to you.

Recollecting.

I've started thinking about my life and what I want to do with it and the people who truely matter. Over the last couple years since high school, I've lost and gained so many friends and the ones that have stuck around I know will be there for a good long time, and I'm truely gratiful to each and every one of them. Each of them has made an impact on my life, whether it'd be negative or positive but they have all shown me things and taught me things I wouldn't have found out about if situations were different.

'What ifs' have been running through my mind for a couple days. What if I had went back to Memorial this past academic year? Would I still be friends with Jennifer? Would have I become close to Christopher? Would I be here, in Toronto, having the time of my life? And of course, all of those statement produce they're own set of 'what ifs' and it's just a vicious cycle from there.

I'm so lucky to have made the right choices so far for me. Some of the choices sucked at the time, but when really thinking about them, I've come to conclude that I've done what's best for me, and in the end, I need to focus on me, my needs, my wants and my future. The supporting actors & actresses in my life are just as important in the play of my life but in the end, the focus is on the main character, me. I need to do what's right for me and just hope that everything turns out the way I hope it will.

Finally!

So, when I left off last, I was still boo-hooing over him.
And since then, I've finally found a job at American Eagle which I adore, working with people that are amazing and I'm so happy! Going to work is never boring and it's not something I dred doing which is always a plus. Also, I got 43 hours my first week so hellllo big paycheck! : )

We went to the ROM yesterday which was so much fun! I love museums! I'm going to post a little video on youtube of some short clips I took of random things, and I'll post it up on here, haha.

Well, it's nearly suppertime, and I should get up from my nap!
I'll post again soon, I hope everyone's doing well : )

Love,
♥B

Time, You're a Dirty Whore.

Tonight is such an emo night.

Today was going sooo good until I logged into facebook and saw pictures of him.
It made me miss him all over again.
I was fine with sending messages back and forth, but see pictures of him on my news feed was a whole different story. I really thought that I would be fine but it turns out that I'm not.

I'm not ready for what we had to be finished.
I wonder if he feels the same.

Love,
B

No day but today.

So, it finally happened.
I'm moved to Ontario & John and I broke up.

While I'm so excited to be here, my heart is broken knowing that I won't see him for two months, and that when I get back to the Maritimes, I won't have him as an emotional support. I know we're going to stay in touch and continue to be friends, but it's going to be hard going from what we have/had to being friends. I'm not sure how well that will work.

Well, more updating later, I've still got to unpack and do some laundry.

Love,
B

don't worry, you're not alone.

Finally,
I'm spending my final night here in Moncton.
I can not explain how happy I am to be finally leaving this place.
I am going to miss some people, and I wish I had gotten closer to people sooner, but that's life and you work with what you're given. Overall, this year wasn't a complete waste. I had a huge falling out with a (best) friend / roommate in the fall, only to have two awesome people move in to replace her. I met John, had an amazing time with him, and who knows what the future holds for us, but I'm gradually coming to accept that whatever happens, happens and I'm happy and blessed to have had him in my life. I've gotten close to a couple people here and I will be sad to leave them, but I'm sure I'll be back next year to party a bit, haha.

So, it's onto Halifax tomorrow afternoon, maybe for the last time for a while. Well, definitely not for 2 months, but after that, I'm not sure what's going to happen. I thought of all the things I was willing to do to make this work, ie: work two maybe three jobs this summer, buy a car, etc just to be with him and I realized that realistically, I would be doing all those things for the wrong reasons. I should be thinking about me right now, my needs, and my goals and if that means not being in a relationship with someone I truly care deeply for, then I've got a tough decision to make.

Hopefully, these next couple days will be absolutely amazing and wonderful and then Monday we can talk about what the future is. I'm hoping for the best but I think I've prepared myself as best as I can for the worst. It will truly be a sad goodbye, just hopefully not forever.

Love,
B

Finally!!

Oh, thank heavens.

I'm FINALLY finished my Marketing class!!
I can not even explain how happy I am that it's over.

I have put so much time & energy into this project and it pisses me off that people who put in 1/3 the effort I did will get the same mark, but at this point, I really don't care. I'm just pumped that it's over.

I've got two exams tomorrow, Macroeconomics & Presentation Skills, and I'll be done school for the year. I can not wait!!!!

Love,
B

2 weeks

I had a couple friends over for a 'farewell' bbq,
and while it wasn't super amounts of fun,
it was really great just to sit around with the girls and hang out.
I'm really going to miss them a lot but the more I think about it, the more I'm realizing just how good this trip is going to be for me. It's like a vacation away from everyone around me and I'll be able to get some thinking done, and figure out what I want to do with my life.

I know I want to travel and that I want to find someone who truly cares for me no matter what but I'm not sure if having both at the same time is really possible. I have him now, and he's absolutely amazing but I know I'm not strong enough to leave him for a year, if I do decide to go to Europe. And it's not that I don't think we could do it, it's just it would be a huge strain on any relationship, let alone one that started off as long distance.

I'm also starting to come to terms with this relationship ending. Well, I'm more or less bracing myself for what I'm sure will come in a 2 weeks before I leave. It's going to be really hard, but I've just got this gut feeling that he's going to end it. I'm going to be devastated, and so hurt but I do understand that I'm not the only person in this relationship and if one of us is hurting and unable to make it work, then it doesn't work at all and something needs to be done about it.

I'm already picturing the scene in my head:

'It's 9am and Bradley & John arrive at the bus station for the farwell,
Bradley: I'm really going to miss you, John.
John: I'm really going to miss you too, but I don't think this will work out.
Bradley: I know, and we tried, but I want you to be happy, and if this is the only way, then I'm afraid this is where it ends for us, I'll always care for you, John. Goodbye.
Bradley gets on the bus, takes one final look at John, and with a single tear rolling down his face, he walks the steps, takes his seat and readies himself for the longest 30min bus ride of his life'

Of course it's going to be nothing like that, but I can always hope ... right? It's basically going to be me, bawling and him feeling horrible. But I don't blame him and I certainly don't want to hold him back. I care about him too much to do that.

Well, I suppose I should get back to packing,
Night!!

Love,
B

Oh darling, don't leave me.

A friend and I saw Sex and the City last night. It was so good! I cried a lot, and laughed a lot and over all, I thought it was slow paced, and you could tell it took a lot of takes sometimes, but I still loved it. Now, this rumored sequel thing is stupid, and I really hope they don't go through with it. I mean, what's it going to be about? Carrie has a baby, Miranda and Steve renew their vows, Charlotte has another baby and Samantha has lots of sex? Like please, unless one of them dies, I won't be watching it.

During the scene with Carrie and Big laying in bed, reading that love letter book, that one by Beethoven really stuck out in my mind. I would love for someone to write me a love letter. Omg. And then when Big wrote them out to her in emails, BAWLED. haha.

So here's Beethoven's love letter. It's beautiful.

Letter 3

Good morning, on July 7

Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us -
I can live only wholly with you or not at all -
Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits -
Yes, unhappily it must be so -
You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never -
Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves.
And yet my life in V is now a wretched life -
Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men -
At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection?
My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once -
Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together -
Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell.
Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours


♥

B

better in time

Woot!

We finally did our presentation on Global Warming this morning!
It went much more smoothly then I could have hoped, even though we were a couple minutes short on time. All of our content definitely made up for that though. School is still such a drag. I can't get motivated to finish my computer course and my marketing course is so annoying and boring now that I just can not WAIT until next Friday when I'm finally finished this year. I know next year will be harder, but I'm hoping that the new school, and living at home will make a difference in my motivation. But then again, I will be living at home, and it's going to be very hard for me to not to kill people, ahaha. I hate the town I'm from. But it's just one more year. This time next year I'll either be back in Toronto or off to Europe. I've decided it's probably best to stop thinking too far into the further with John and I. It's going to be hard enough if it ends, so it's probably best to just live in the now and see how things from there. It's best not to get too carried away. I don't want to look like a freak when it ends, lol

Well, Danielle is coming over for lunch so I'm going to cut this short! I'll write again soon,

Love,
B

please.

Please,
Don't let me go without a fight.
I need you more than I thought I did.

"Nate, I'm not a chance, I'm a person."

I've recently gotten into watching Six Feet Under and here I am half way through season 2 and in nearly every episode, Nate has me wondering how people would react if I were to tell them I was dying.

Who would rush to be by my side?
Who would be terrified and run away?
Who would be there when I cried?
Who would need me to be there when they cried?
Who would miss me?
Who would be unable to live without me?
Who would be there to comfort me?

Would you?

love is a place

Oh, le sigh.

Another amazing weekend in Halifax with him. We didn't get much alone time, but honestly, it really didn't matter. I find myself falling harder and harder every time I see him and that makes me so scared for the upcoming weeks.

The next time I go to Halifax will be the last time for two months.

The next time I go to Halifax could me the last for me and him.

I really wish the circumstances were different. I really wish I could force him to believe in us like I do. I know he deeply cares about me. He knows I deeply care about him. I wish I could help him see that long(er) distance won't be that bad for only two months and just because I'm moving home in September doesn't mean it's not doable. I just really do not want this to end.

Things never do go the way you wish they would.

As sad as I am about leaving, I'm actually kind of excited just to get the fuck away. I'm considering not going on MSN or facebook for a while while I'm there, just to get away from all the white noise and mess that seems to be happening. I need to lose myself in a new place with new people. Fuck, I don't even care about new people, I just need a change of pace in my life. A job, money coming in, freedom, the sun. Oh, how I want the sun. I'm sick of the rain, the cloudy days, the gloomy days when all you want to do is lay around and do nothing.

Going to Europe when I'm finished school is going to be the best thing for me, I think. I just really hope I do end up going through with it. I think I would be an excellent 'Au-Pair' for any wonderful family. I want to feel like I'm needed and make a difference in people's lives.

Well, I guess that's all for tonight.
I'm much too depressing for blog-writing, hahaha.
Another week of school and it's home for a couple days!
Woot, to having my dad's car this week though!!

Love,
B

I'll be the one to keep you one-disaster-less.

Yay!

I'm going to Halifax tomorrow : )

I've probably gone to Halifax more weekends than I've actually stayed here but other than my roommates, I've got no one really here ... so when I go to Halifax, not only do I have John*, but also all of his friends, who I absolutely love!! They are so fun to be around and we always have a great time!

I'm really looking forward to spending time with John*, as I really want to make these last few weeks before I leave really count. All I can do is hope of the best, and deal with the situation when it comes. It all comes down to whether or not we can do the distance thing, especially with me moving back home in September, making it an 1.5hours away from him, bringing the grand total up to 4hours, which is quite the drive.

But let's see what else I can talk about beside him, haha.

I'm currently reading 'The Hours' by Michael Cunningham. I'm only a couple pages in but I can tell that I'm really going to like it. I really enjoy his style of writing and loved 'A Home at the End of the World'! I have yet to watch the movies for both those novels, but I'm afraid that seeing them on film may ruin them for me as in general movie adaptation of books rarely co-exist nicely.

I'm currently watching the second season of Six Feet Under. This series is so amazing!! It's witty, and cleaver but serious and demands the watcher to dig deeper into the meanings of the storyline. I'm in love with Lauren Ambrose's character, Claire. She's got that teenager attitude but I feel like she's quite mature for her age, and I'm sure part of that has to do with growing up with death being all around her. She's the rebellious one of the family, and I definitely relate to that, being the black sheep of my family as well.

(I was the one who crashed the car, got the piercings, got caught with alcohol, drugs and pornography ... all before the age of 17, haha)

Well, it seems that when I start writing these blogs, that I actually have more to say then I thought. I feels better getting some of these thoughts out of my head, and onto/into a place where they're easier visualized and understood. All the mumbo-jumbo in my brain doesn't really make sense, but writing them out almost forces me to truely think about the situations and reflect on what I really want.

I'll update again on Sunday night or Monday, whenever I can find the time, really. I hope everyone has an amazing weekend, : )

Love,
B

I'll come back when you call me.

Things in my life never go as smoothly as I hope.

In September, I decided to move to a new city, and take a Business Administration program through a local community college. I told myself that this town was temporary and that meant that I was planning not to meeting someone and become attached and that I was going to focus on school, for once.

Then, in November, I meet John*.

He was my best friend, Kathleen*'s, roommate and as soon as I started talking with him online, I felt this weird connection. We just clicked, really well. We talked non-stop for a month and then finally met in person. The connection and chemistry was there and I wanted it to happen so bad, but he lives 2.5 hours away. So over Christmas break, my aunt offered me the chance to come live with her in Pickering, Ontario (45 minutes from Toronto) and I jumped at the chance to get out of the Maritimes.

Now, Five months later, John and I are still seeing one another every other weekend and I really do not want things to end. I'm so confused about what I want and what he wants and the more I want things to work out, the more I see that the odds are against us. He doesn't like the distance thing already but add in a couple more hours and however many miles and it's just that much worse. If it were 100% up to me, I would keep things going, but if he's just not in it with me, then there's no point.

He's so amazing though. I think that's what makes this so hard. When I'm with him, I feel like I'm a better person. I know this sounds stupid for only knowing him like for like six months, but I can't help it. He's smart, funny, kind, generous, the list really goes on and on. And I know it's stupid for me to say that I'll never find someone who makes me feel the way that he makes me feel, because I'm only 20 but what if I kind of don't want to find someone else? If I didn't sound like a love-struck cheerleader falling for the captain of the football team back in the 50's then I don't know what it was. haha.

I really just wish I could see into the future, just a couple of months .. just to see what happens, so I know enough to prepare myself for the heartache that seems inevitable.

Love,
B


*Names are changed.

Breathing New Life

So, Everytime I start a blog, I never stick with it.
And I mean never. I've have countless blogs all over the blogosphere, none of which have lasted longer than a year. Mostly because I don't get any feedback, and don't know if anyone reads or cares about what I write.

But now, I kind of think I'd like to just write/blog for me. Yes, If you're reading this, thank you and I appreciate your feedback!!, but this blog is mine, and I should write because I want to, not because I want someone to read it.

So, I'm hereby stating that I'm going to try to keep this blog alive. To blog about my life, the things & people involved and all the going-ons of my life. Names will be changed, just to protect the innocent parties, unless of course I get their permission but the places will all be real. The name changing thing is also to kind of protect myself, as of course I won't know who reads this.

But anyway, I'm starting to ramble, and I've got to finish some things for my Marketing class.
If there's anyone reading this right now, thank you and keep reading!

Love,
B