Whoops!

Hi everyone ...

Sorry it's been about 3 months since I've updated last. I would love to say that my life is so unbelievably crazy and I just don't have time to write anything, but alas, that is not the case.

This summer was so much fun! I love Ontario and really do not every want to move back home again. I'm really starting to see this as my home, the only need I need now is my own place. And hopefully .. that will happen sooner rather than later.

I still can not find a damn job. I've been applying like crazy but because I do not have any business experience, it makes it really hard for companies to hire me. They usually want 2-5 years of experience and it just sucks .. big time. How am I supposed to gain experience if no one will hire me?! It's so frustrating and my current retail job is giving me like 10 hours a week .. not cool at all.

I love that my blog is usually just me ranting about everything. That's enough of that for right now. Here's a video that me and Tara made the other night/morning at 6am. We were bored .. and not tired at all. Something is wrong with us, haha.



<3,
B

Not fair

"well I lie here in the wet patch in the middle of the bed
I'm feeling pretty damn hard done by, I spent ages giving head
then I remember all the nice things that you've ever said to me
maybe I'm just overreacting, maybe your the one for me"
lily allen - not fair

Oh, Lily Allen, you (or your writers I should say) know how to write songs about my life. This song reminds me of my life, for reals.

Sorry for not being around lately, I don't think there's a whole lot of people who read this but I've been busy lately. As in, twittering too much, graduating, moving back to the GTA, then back to NB and then back to the GTA again. But now I'm back here for good (hopefully). I'll probably go home around Christmas time to make my mom happy and then maybe a slightly better vacation. But I've decided to no longer talk about it as I don't want to jinx it and I need this to happen so bad it's sick.

I guess I'll try to update more often!
<3 B

msn conversation

Amy and I just had the funniest msn convo ever. We took it way too far, sooo many times and I love it. haha Enjoy : )


Amy... says: (1:10:42 AM)
yeahh umm hm im soo sick of ur bullshiit
Bradley... says: (1:10:51 AM)
pardon. me.
Bradley... says: (1:11:01 AM)
you are so not getting lippy with me
Bradley... says: (1:11:10 AM)
not now. not after all i've been through
Amy... says: (1:11:10 AM)
oh i think i am
Bradley... says: (1:11:51 AM)
this pregnancy hasn't been easy on me, you know! my body's huge, my thighs are massive, i get weird cravings and all you do is hang around and go on youtube. 
Bradley... says: (1:12:04 AM)
you need to put more effort into this.
Bradley... says: (1:12:08 AM)
THIS IS FOREVER
Bradley... says: (1:12:14 AM)
i'm keeping the baby.
Amy... says: (1:12:27 AM)
ur not my first or my last
Bradley... says: (1:13:02 AM)
oh NO YOU DIDN'T!
Amy... says: (1:13:40 AM)
how do you even know its mine, i know youve been sluttin around, people talk in this town
Bradley... says: (1:13:51 AM)
okay, don't even go there.
Bradley... says: (1:13:57 AM)
you don't know shit
Amy... says: (1:14:00 AM)
i am going there
Bradley... says: (1:14:07 AM)
this is your fucking baby, okay.
Amy... says: (1:14:25 AM)
untill we go see maurie dont be saying shit to e
Amy... says: (1:14:25 AM)
me
Bradley... says: (1:14:25 AM)
she/he kicks like a mother fucker, and so do you. it's yours.
Bradley... says: (1:14:40 AM)
okay, listen!! there's no need to bring Maurie into this!!!
Amy... says: (1:14:59 AM)
you fucked maurie didnt ya!!!!???!
Bradley... says: (1:15:56 AM)
WHAT!?
Bradley... says: (1:16:03 AM)
Jenna told you, didn't she.
Bradley... says: (1:16:06 AM)
that fucking CUNT
Bradley... says: (1:16:11 AM)
ima shoot that bitch UPPP
Amy... says: (1:16:44 AM)
dont bring her into this it me and u bitchh soo
Bradley... says: (1:16:55 AM)
whatever.
Bradley... says: (1:17:14 AM)
it's your baby and you'll be paying child support out your ass for the next 18 years, so have fun with that mother fucker.
Amy... says: (1:17:35 AM)
we're taking this to court bitch and imma win
Bradley... says: (1:17:46 AM)
yeah? yeah? gonna go all coked out again?
Amy... says: (1:17:51 AM)
all my moneyy will be going to hookers and booze
Bradley... says: (1:18:01 AM)
have fun with that. why don't you bring your drug dealer as your witness.
Amy... says: (1:18:10 AM)
maybe i willl
Amy... says: (1:18:12 AM)
maybe i willl
Bradley... says: (1:18:15 AM)
fine.
Bradley... says: (1:18:21 AM)
i know you've been fucking him anyway
Amy... says: (1:18:21 AM)
your going down biatchh
Amy... says: (1:18:34 AM)
wtffffffffffff??! bitchchh what u sayingg
Bradley... says: (1:18:42 AM)
I SAW THE VIDEO ON THE INTERNET
Bradley... says: (1:18:50 AM)
so you can shut the fuck up.
Amy... says: (1:18:53 AM)
THAT FUCKERR
Bradley... says: (1:19:04 AM)
i was reallly hoping i wasn't going to ahve to pull that card, but apparently i did.
Amy... says: (1:19:11 AM)
you will shut the fuck up when i shove my dick down ur throat
Bradley... says: (1:19:27 AM)
baby, stop it. you're turning me on ;)
Bradley... says: (1:19:35 AM)
(hahahaha, funniest msn convo i've ever had)
Bradley... says: (1:19:36 AM)
hahaha
Amy... says: (1:19:48 AM)
hahahhahaha i knoww im actually pissing my pants hahahha
Bradley... says: (1:19:53 AM)
hahahah me tooooo
Bradley... says: (1:19:54 AM)
haha
Amy... says: (1:19:58 AM)
we took it to far hahaa
Bradley... says: (1:19:58 AM)
i'm saving this shit.
Amy... says: (1:20:03 AM)
doo itt upp ahhaa
Bradley... says: (1:20:05 AM)
too far, soo many times. haha
Bradley... says: (1:20:08 AM)
i'm going to blog it.
Amy... says: (1:20:13 AM)
bhahahhaha
Amy... says: (1:20:15 AM)
i love uu

he's my new boyfriend, for real

Wow!

I'm currently doing a sales project where my partner and I have to go out into the city to approach businesses to purchase signage for the local ball field and wow ... what a rush! It makes me sounds like a huge loser, but wow. It feels so great making a sale, an actual sale. We made two for sure sales yesterday and 2 almost sales and 2 maybe sales and I'm so excited about it! It's not something I can see myself doing forever or even in the future but it's so exciting and really fun!

I'll be posting hopefully more regularly coming up. I know I've been kind of slacking but I need to get back into the swing of things.

♥
B

busy busy

Holy lord.
For someone who hasn't posted a blog in like a month, I do not have a whole lot to report! Things have been pretty quiet over here, with school & work taking over a majority of my life.
I've also started dating a great guy, S, and while I'm not sure where it's going, I'm really enjoying his company and having someone there for me. We're not the most compatible, actually we're almost extreme opposites, but we're trying. He opened up to me last night after having a horrible Saturday and if you follow me on twitter you'll know why. He's made the decision to stop drinking so much and asked for my help which really caught me off guard. It's not like I have never been asked for someone's help, but with something like this ... with someone who's 27, it just really hit me on how much trust he's putting into this already. I don't mind helping, even if it means just not drinking myself. I don't even like to get drunk anymore, haha, I get too sloppy (i.e. drunk twittering, drunk phoning, drunk texting .. usually all around the same time). I kind of feel like we've been moving too fast but at the same time there are aspects of our relationship that are going slow and it's amazing. It's all just new and almost refreshing and different and at this point in my life, different is good.

♥
B

worddle?

I just did a Wordle for my twitter account and this is what I got ...

From braddddd♥

This picture is further proof of my obsession / love of Courtney. I hope she doesn't mind. : )

♥
B

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day!! : )

CLICK HERE



CLICK HERE

Love,
B

One month later...

I still can't believe that it's been a month. It's amazing what one month can do. I miss him more and more everyday and still feel like I'm going to get a random text message from him saying 'HEY ASSHOLE, WHERE ARE YOU!'. But I'm coming to realization that it's not going to happen. I don't want to believe it's real, but I know that I have to. Today is a celebration of the life he lived. Everyday is a celebration of the life I've been so blessed to continue living.

In celebration of this, I've done something proactive in my life. I decided to facebook message the mom of a former best friend. This woman was like a second mother to me in high school, and sometimes was there to listen more than my real mom. Their whole family was like my second family and they're home was a home away from home. I can't lie and say I don't miss it. I miss what we used to be and I know that things won't go back that way. But none the less, I decided to facebook message her, just to tell her that I miss her and that I'd like to get together and catch up. So much as changed in my life since last year and I'm sure so much has happened in hers.

I don't know what I want out of messaging her. I just felt like it was the right thing to do. As I said to her 'If I were to die tomorrow, I don't want to go with grudges or whatever'. I just want to know that I've done what I can for who I can and tried my best.

Ouch

I was just reading an article by Kelli Underhill, Addicted to Procrastination , and boy did it ever hit home.

My life has succumb to one giant procrastination. In fact, I'm procrastinating right now. My school work isn't hard. Going to class isn't hard. But I always just put it off until it has to happen. I really need to stop doing this and do what needs to be done as soon as I can and not stress myself out with leaving everything to the last minute. It's not being fair to myself and I know I deserve better than what I've been doing lately.

Now is the time for change. Not tomorrow, not next week. NOW.
So enough with the procrastination, I'm going to do a bunch of assignments that are due this week, get this finished and over with and enjoy not being stressed out by the end of the week!

♥
B

truths

I know that you know that I know.
I'm not pathetic.
I may act like I've forgotten about it already,
but I haven't.
and I'm not sure I will so easily.

Just so you know, :)
♥
B

it's probably just flashed out

RATE!! COMMENT!! SUBSCRIBE!!
http://www. youtube. com/watch?v=0Ew8j00Gr5M

http://www. youtube. com/watch?v=0Ew8j00Gr5M

Amazing

Wow,
This was the best birthday weekend I've ever had! I'm sure everyone says that after each birthday, but seriously .. best, birthday, EVER.

Thursday night we all went out to the pub and got wasted. In fact, I got so wasted that I was still hungover on saturday morning when I woke up. Amazing friends, plus great food, yummy (& cheap!) beer, GORGEOUS cake and a great band = an amazing birthday. I wish more friends were able to come, but I understand not being able to come home for a night/weekend .. I'm more realistic than that.

Friday was my actual birthday, the big ol' 21(!), and Robyn and I took a road trip to Moncton and we did some shopping and went to supper with her unbelieveably cute friend whos name I can not remember but she was so cute, haha.

In the weeeee morning hours on saturday I went to Halifax with Ashley & Kari! I did some shopping, got to see some friends who I haven't seen since August and went out to some clubs. Unfortunetly, I was completely sober the whole night. I wasn't feeling very well and it was just a better idea to be sober and I still had a lot of fun! Erin & her roommates had a SexyGirl party and it was so hilarious and really informative. I learned a lot about the vagina, most of which will go unused forever, haha.

And lastly, I came home on Sunday. I saw some more friends and ate at the Wired Monk, which is my favorite spot to eat in Halifax. It's so gooood!

And now I'm back home, back to the school & work routine. Back to wanting to be back in Halifax, haha. I need to get back again soon. As in, not go another 6 months without visiting. I didn't realize how much I would be miss it until I went back. I'm going to see about going back during my march break! Should be a good time!

♥
B

can you hear me

"You gotta be out there
You gotta be somewhere
Wherever you are
I'm waiting
'Cause there are these nights when
I sing myself to sleep
And I'm hopin' my dreams
Bring you close to me
Are you listening?"
- Hear Me - Kelly Clarkson

Ever sense Corey passed away, I've been so paranoid about everything. For example, I came home from Katie's last night and I was expecting my mom to be home, and I must have called her name like 10 times and she didn't answer. So many scenarios went through my mind and I started to panic. And I ran upstairs and called out once more, and it turns out she was in the washroom. I'm just so scared that someone else is going to leave me before I'm ready to let them go. I know I can't go on thinking like this, but I can't help think about it.

It's getting to the point where I'm afraid to go to sleep because I keep having dreams about the people I love dying. I passed out from being just exhausted at like 10:30pm last night and woke up really suddenly at 3:30am, and I'm not sure why I woke up like that but it had to have been my mind trying to tell me something. So I've been awake since then.

I feel really bad because I told Robyn I'd go to the wake with her today, but I really don't think I can do it. It was hard the first time, and I don't picture the second time being any easier. I want to see him again, and again and again. I'm not ready to let him be put away in the vault until spring when he's buried. I hate that about winter time. Every one is going to have feel all these emotions all over again when he is buried in the spring.

There are so many "I should have"s and "I wish"es. So many thing I wish I could have said. So many times that I should have called just to see what's up. So many things I could have done. I wish I hadn't taken advantage of that. There will be no more of that. I'm not going to regret not saying to someone I care about. The "I love you"s will be flowing freely from my mouth, heart and soul from these days forward.

I love you.
♥
B

...

This week has been so weird for me.
I feel like nothing has happened. It's almost like my mind has decided that its going to stay in disbelief mode as long as possible. This whole thing just does not feel real. You're not supposed to lose a friend. Parents are not supposed to bury their children. Twenty year olds are not supposed to die. He was too young. It couldn't possibly have been his time, not now. He was in his prime, just loving life and lighting up any room he stepped foot into.
This weekend is not going to be good for anyone. The wake is Thursday and Friday and the funeral is Saturday. I wish there was something I could say to his family. I wish there was something I could say to our friends. I wish with all my heart that this hasn't really happened. This is going to be a horrible dream that will last forever. I'll never forget you, Corey.

♥,
B

RIP Corey

I lost a good friend tonight.
It makes me realize how much I take advantage of.
RIP Corey.
You are an amazing person and you will be forever missed.

♥
B

dreams

I just woke up. and yes it's after 3pm, stop judging.

Anyway, I had the craziest dream! I don't remember all the details but this is what I do remember:

- I was by my neighbours house and somehow there was ground beef everywhere on the ground and I was feverishly trying to clean it up because that day was two things; According to African legends, it was the day of mice, where all the mice came out and were every where and ate everything and according to Zimbabwean legends, it was the day of the fleas where fleas come out everywhere.

- Then I ended up in the kitchen of an old restaurant. I was talking with the cooks and then went out in the dinning room, where there was no tables, just people standing around drinking beer.

- Then there were sirens like crazy and we saw a helicopter land on the Centenial bridge and all these army cars and people come up after it and cross the bridge.

- Then I ended up at someone's house and everyone was dressed in prom attire and I was going with Emily and she was wearing this big pink dress and she wanted to go this movie and I refused to and she got really mad. Then Emily turned into Jennifer and we fought all the way to the movies and she spilt sweet and sour sauce on my leg and that made me even more mad.

- And then I woke up.

There were other parts, something about old people and an old saloon where I was holding a baby and a dog but I'm not really sure how those parts go.

But yah, superrrr random. lol

♥B

silenced.

Have you ever wanted to talk about something but feel like you can't because of where you live, who you're friends with and what they would have to say in retaliation?

There's a lot I want to talk about, not only on here but also on talky-blogs on youtube but I feel that because I live in this shithole, and people from here ARE watching my videos, that I have to watch what I say.

I don't mean 'Omg, I'm so famous here', what I mean is that a former teacher of mine displayed one of my videos to her entire 10th grade class one day in December. And people I never thought would watch them, have seen them. Again, I'm not saying YouTube is going to call me tomorrow and be their spokesperson, but I feel like there are issues that I can't talk about.

I would love to talk about homophobia in this area, the way I'm treated when I go out to a certain 'club', and the people who make me feel like I'm less of a person. But I also want to talk about the people who love and support me, the ones who accept me and the ones who make me feel like I'm just like everyone else.

Maybe I will gain the courage to speak about those topics one day... I really hope I do. Being treated like a second-class citizen is not right. Being belittled, made fun of, told off, threatened, is not right. I'm just like everyone else, the only difference between me and Joe the Plumber is that I'd rather wake up to a man lying with me.

I think I'm going to have to do a gay-themed talky-blog soon. There's a lot I need to get off my chest.

♥B

Good News!

I'm 99% sure I'm going to have enough credits to graduate in June.
FUCK YES!
I feel like I'm back in high school, just praying to get out of this no where town. fuckkkk.

but in the meantime, check out my new youtube video!



And yes, I know it says Make A Ginger Bread. I had no idea it was going to cut off the rest of the words, haha. Because I'm a moron like that. Just watch it already.

♥B

Back into the Swing of Things.

Okay, okay.
Now that there's some regularity back in my life, you know, with school starting up again .. I'll be able to post more blog entries.

This has been an amazing Christmas break. I may have gone out too much. I may have drank too much. And I may have worked too much. But in the end, it's all worth it.

This morning there was a motivational speaker for the college. And all I could do was walk out. I'm going to need more than one motivational speaker to make me want to come to class and work my ass off. I slacked like a mother fucker last semester and ended with an 83% average, which is just wonderful in my eyes. I'm a motivational speaker's worst nightmare when it comes to completing this damn diploma.

I can't wait until June!!