it's probably just flashed out

RATE!! COMMENT!! SUBSCRIBE!!
http://www. youtube. com/watch?v=0Ew8j00Gr5M

http://www. youtube. com/watch?v=0Ew8j00Gr5M

Amazing

Wow,
This was the best birthday weekend I've ever had! I'm sure everyone says that after each birthday, but seriously .. best, birthday, EVER.

Thursday night we all went out to the pub and got wasted. In fact, I got so wasted that I was still hungover on saturday morning when I woke up. Amazing friends, plus great food, yummy (& cheap!) beer, GORGEOUS cake and a great band = an amazing birthday. I wish more friends were able to come, but I understand not being able to come home for a night/weekend .. I'm more realistic than that.

Friday was my actual birthday, the big ol' 21(!), and Robyn and I took a road trip to Moncton and we did some shopping and went to supper with her unbelieveably cute friend whos name I can not remember but she was so cute, haha.

In the weeeee morning hours on saturday I went to Halifax with Ashley & Kari! I did some shopping, got to see some friends who I haven't seen since August and went out to some clubs. Unfortunetly, I was completely sober the whole night. I wasn't feeling very well and it was just a better idea to be sober and I still had a lot of fun! Erin & her roommates had a SexyGirl party and it was so hilarious and really informative. I learned a lot about the vagina, most of which will go unused forever, haha.

And lastly, I came home on Sunday. I saw some more friends and ate at the Wired Monk, which is my favorite spot to eat in Halifax. It's so gooood!

And now I'm back home, back to the school & work routine. Back to wanting to be back in Halifax, haha. I need to get back again soon. As in, not go another 6 months without visiting. I didn't realize how much I would be miss it until I went back. I'm going to see about going back during my march break! Should be a good time!

♥
B

can you hear me

"You gotta be out there
You gotta be somewhere
Wherever you are
I'm waiting
'Cause there are these nights when
I sing myself to sleep
And I'm hopin' my dreams
Bring you close to me
Are you listening?"
- Hear Me - Kelly Clarkson

Ever sense Corey passed away, I've been so paranoid about everything. For example, I came home from Katie's last night and I was expecting my mom to be home, and I must have called her name like 10 times and she didn't answer. So many scenarios went through my mind and I started to panic. And I ran upstairs and called out once more, and it turns out she was in the washroom. I'm just so scared that someone else is going to leave me before I'm ready to let them go. I know I can't go on thinking like this, but I can't help think about it.

It's getting to the point where I'm afraid to go to sleep because I keep having dreams about the people I love dying. I passed out from being just exhausted at like 10:30pm last night and woke up really suddenly at 3:30am, and I'm not sure why I woke up like that but it had to have been my mind trying to tell me something. So I've been awake since then.

I feel really bad because I told Robyn I'd go to the wake with her today, but I really don't think I can do it. It was hard the first time, and I don't picture the second time being any easier. I want to see him again, and again and again. I'm not ready to let him be put away in the vault until spring when he's buried. I hate that about winter time. Every one is going to have feel all these emotions all over again when he is buried in the spring.

There are so many "I should have"s and "I wish"es. So many thing I wish I could have said. So many times that I should have called just to see what's up. So many things I could have done. I wish I hadn't taken advantage of that. There will be no more of that. I'm not going to regret not saying to someone I care about. The "I love you"s will be flowing freely from my mouth, heart and soul from these days forward.

I love you.
♥
B

...

This week has been so weird for me.
I feel like nothing has happened. It's almost like my mind has decided that its going to stay in disbelief mode as long as possible. This whole thing just does not feel real. You're not supposed to lose a friend. Parents are not supposed to bury their children. Twenty year olds are not supposed to die. He was too young. It couldn't possibly have been his time, not now. He was in his prime, just loving life and lighting up any room he stepped foot into.
This weekend is not going to be good for anyone. The wake is Thursday and Friday and the funeral is Saturday. I wish there was something I could say to his family. I wish there was something I could say to our friends. I wish with all my heart that this hasn't really happened. This is going to be a horrible dream that will last forever. I'll never forget you, Corey.

♥,
B

RIP Corey

I lost a good friend tonight.
It makes me realize how much I take advantage of.
RIP Corey.
You are an amazing person and you will be forever missed.

♥
B

dreams

I just woke up. and yes it's after 3pm, stop judging.

Anyway, I had the craziest dream! I don't remember all the details but this is what I do remember:

- I was by my neighbours house and somehow there was ground beef everywhere on the ground and I was feverishly trying to clean it up because that day was two things; According to African legends, it was the day of mice, where all the mice came out and were every where and ate everything and according to Zimbabwean legends, it was the day of the fleas where fleas come out everywhere.

- Then I ended up in the kitchen of an old restaurant. I was talking with the cooks and then went out in the dinning room, where there was no tables, just people standing around drinking beer.

- Then there were sirens like crazy and we saw a helicopter land on the Centenial bridge and all these army cars and people come up after it and cross the bridge.

- Then I ended up at someone's house and everyone was dressed in prom attire and I was going with Emily and she was wearing this big pink dress and she wanted to go this movie and I refused to and she got really mad. Then Emily turned into Jennifer and we fought all the way to the movies and she spilt sweet and sour sauce on my leg and that made me even more mad.

- And then I woke up.

There were other parts, something about old people and an old saloon where I was holding a baby and a dog but I'm not really sure how those parts go.

But yah, superrrr random. lol

♥B

silenced.

Have you ever wanted to talk about something but feel like you can't because of where you live, who you're friends with and what they would have to say in retaliation?

There's a lot I want to talk about, not only on here but also on talky-blogs on youtube but I feel that because I live in this shithole, and people from here ARE watching my videos, that I have to watch what I say.

I don't mean 'Omg, I'm so famous here', what I mean is that a former teacher of mine displayed one of my videos to her entire 10th grade class one day in December. And people I never thought would watch them, have seen them. Again, I'm not saying YouTube is going to call me tomorrow and be their spokesperson, but I feel like there are issues that I can't talk about.

I would love to talk about homophobia in this area, the way I'm treated when I go out to a certain 'club', and the people who make me feel like I'm less of a person. But I also want to talk about the people who love and support me, the ones who accept me and the ones who make me feel like I'm just like everyone else.

Maybe I will gain the courage to speak about those topics one day... I really hope I do. Being treated like a second-class citizen is not right. Being belittled, made fun of, told off, threatened, is not right. I'm just like everyone else, the only difference between me and Joe the Plumber is that I'd rather wake up to a man lying with me.

I think I'm going to have to do a gay-themed talky-blog soon. There's a lot I need to get off my chest.

♥B

Good News!

I'm 99% sure I'm going to have enough credits to graduate in June.
FUCK YES!
I feel like I'm back in high school, just praying to get out of this no where town. fuckkkk.

but in the meantime, check out my new youtube video!



And yes, I know it says Make A Ginger Bread. I had no idea it was going to cut off the rest of the words, haha. Because I'm a moron like that. Just watch it already.

♥B

Back into the Swing of Things.

Okay, okay.
Now that there's some regularity back in my life, you know, with school starting up again .. I'll be able to post more blog entries.

This has been an amazing Christmas break. I may have gone out too much. I may have drank too much. And I may have worked too much. But in the end, it's all worth it.

This morning there was a motivational speaker for the college. And all I could do was walk out. I'm going to need more than one motivational speaker to make me want to come to class and work my ass off. I slacked like a mother fucker last semester and ended with an 83% average, which is just wonderful in my eyes. I'm a motivational speaker's worst nightmare when it comes to completing this damn diploma.

I can't wait until June!!