near to you

I've learned recently that he hooked up with someone, and not telling me. I'm not sure if he's doing it on purpose, but I'm not someone he can fuck when I'm around and other people when I'm not. I'm supposed to stay at his house when I leave Ontario in two days, and I really hope that nothing does happen between us, that I'll be strong and say no. We're just friends, and it's probably better for the both of us if we keep it that way. This way, I won't get hurt when it ends again, and he's free to do as he pleases.

I've been listening to a lot of 'A Fine Frenzy' lately and one song, Near to You, really hits me. I need to just completely and udderly move on. I still feel like I want to make it work, like I want things just to go back to the way they were before I left. And I don't believe that it's going to be a healthy way of thinking for me. I love him, but it needs to be as a friend only and I'm sure over time, it's going to get easier and easier. I also feel like going to Europe will really help clear my mind and perspective on the whole situation in knowing what I want for me and my future. Here are the lyrics to that song, and this is the link to her myspace, http://www.myspace.com/afinefrenzy

He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back

Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be

He's disappearing
Fading suddenly
I'm so close to being yours
Won't you stay with me
Please

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I belong
Where you are

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
Though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.
Yet, I'm better near to you.

Recollecting.

I've started thinking about my life and what I want to do with it and the people who truely matter. Over the last couple years since high school, I've lost and gained so many friends and the ones that have stuck around I know will be there for a good long time, and I'm truely gratiful to each and every one of them. Each of them has made an impact on my life, whether it'd be negative or positive but they have all shown me things and taught me things I wouldn't have found out about if situations were different.

'What ifs' have been running through my mind for a couple days. What if I had went back to Memorial this past academic year? Would I still be friends with Jennifer? Would have I become close to Christopher? Would I be here, in Toronto, having the time of my life? And of course, all of those statement produce they're own set of 'what ifs' and it's just a vicious cycle from there.

I'm so lucky to have made the right choices so far for me. Some of the choices sucked at the time, but when really thinking about them, I've come to conclude that I've done what's best for me, and in the end, I need to focus on me, my needs, my wants and my future. The supporting actors & actresses in my life are just as important in the play of my life but in the end, the focus is on the main character, me. I need to do what's right for me and just hope that everything turns out the way I hope it will.

Finally!

So, when I left off last, I was still boo-hooing over him.
And since then, I've finally found a job at American Eagle which I adore, working with people that are amazing and I'm so happy! Going to work is never boring and it's not something I dred doing which is always a plus. Also, I got 43 hours my first week so hellllo big paycheck! : )

We went to the ROM yesterday which was so much fun! I love museums! I'm going to post a little video on youtube of some short clips I took of random things, and I'll post it up on here, haha.

Well, it's nearly suppertime, and I should get up from my nap!
I'll post again soon, I hope everyone's doing well : )

Love,
♥B

Time, You're a Dirty Whore.

Tonight is such an emo night.

Today was going sooo good until I logged into facebook and saw pictures of him.
It made me miss him all over again.
I was fine with sending messages back and forth, but see pictures of him on my news feed was a whole different story. I really thought that I would be fine but it turns out that I'm not.

I'm not ready for what we had to be finished.
I wonder if he feels the same.

Love,
B

No day but today.

So, it finally happened.
I'm moved to Ontario & John and I broke up.

While I'm so excited to be here, my heart is broken knowing that I won't see him for two months, and that when I get back to the Maritimes, I won't have him as an emotional support. I know we're going to stay in touch and continue to be friends, but it's going to be hard going from what we have/had to being friends. I'm not sure how well that will work.

Well, more updating later, I've still got to unpack and do some laundry.

Love,
B