No day but today.

So, it finally happened.
I'm moved to Ontario & John and I broke up.

While I'm so excited to be here, my heart is broken knowing that I won't see him for two months, and that when I get back to the Maritimes, I won't have him as an emotional support. I know we're going to stay in touch and continue to be friends, but it's going to be hard going from what we have/had to being friends. I'm not sure how well that will work.

Well, more updating later, I've still got to unpack and do some laundry.

Love,
B

don't worry, you're not alone.

Finally,
I'm spending my final night here in Moncton.
I can not explain how happy I am to be finally leaving this place.
I am going to miss some people, and I wish I had gotten closer to people sooner, but that's life and you work with what you're given. Overall, this year wasn't a complete waste. I had a huge falling out with a (best) friend / roommate in the fall, only to have two awesome people move in to replace her. I met John, had an amazing time with him, and who knows what the future holds for us, but I'm gradually coming to accept that whatever happens, happens and I'm happy and blessed to have had him in my life. I've gotten close to a couple people here and I will be sad to leave them, but I'm sure I'll be back next year to party a bit, haha.

So, it's onto Halifax tomorrow afternoon, maybe for the last time for a while. Well, definitely not for 2 months, but after that, I'm not sure what's going to happen. I thought of all the things I was willing to do to make this work, ie: work two maybe three jobs this summer, buy a car, etc just to be with him and I realized that realistically, I would be doing all those things for the wrong reasons. I should be thinking about me right now, my needs, and my goals and if that means not being in a relationship with someone I truly care deeply for, then I've got a tough decision to make.

Hopefully, these next couple days will be absolutely amazing and wonderful and then Monday we can talk about what the future is. I'm hoping for the best but I think I've prepared myself as best as I can for the worst. It will truly be a sad goodbye, just hopefully not forever.

Love,
B

Finally!!

Oh, thank heavens.

I'm FINALLY finished my Marketing class!!
I can not even explain how happy I am that it's over.

I have put so much time & energy into this project and it pisses me off that people who put in 1/3 the effort I did will get the same mark, but at this point, I really don't care. I'm just pumped that it's over.

I've got two exams tomorrow, Macroeconomics & Presentation Skills, and I'll be done school for the year. I can not wait!!!!

Love,
B

2 weeks

I had a couple friends over for a 'farewell' bbq,
and while it wasn't super amounts of fun,
it was really great just to sit around with the girls and hang out.
I'm really going to miss them a lot but the more I think about it, the more I'm realizing just how good this trip is going to be for me. It's like a vacation away from everyone around me and I'll be able to get some thinking done, and figure out what I want to do with my life.

I know I want to travel and that I want to find someone who truly cares for me no matter what but I'm not sure if having both at the same time is really possible. I have him now, and he's absolutely amazing but I know I'm not strong enough to leave him for a year, if I do decide to go to Europe. And it's not that I don't think we could do it, it's just it would be a huge strain on any relationship, let alone one that started off as long distance.

I'm also starting to come to terms with this relationship ending. Well, I'm more or less bracing myself for what I'm sure will come in a 2 weeks before I leave. It's going to be really hard, but I've just got this gut feeling that he's going to end it. I'm going to be devastated, and so hurt but I do understand that I'm not the only person in this relationship and if one of us is hurting and unable to make it work, then it doesn't work at all and something needs to be done about it.

I'm already picturing the scene in my head:

'It's 9am and Bradley & John arrive at the bus station for the farwell,
Bradley: I'm really going to miss you, John.
John: I'm really going to miss you too, but I don't think this will work out.
Bradley: I know, and we tried, but I want you to be happy, and if this is the only way, then I'm afraid this is where it ends for us, I'll always care for you, John. Goodbye.
Bradley gets on the bus, takes one final look at John, and with a single tear rolling down his face, he walks the steps, takes his seat and readies himself for the longest 30min bus ride of his life'

Of course it's going to be nothing like that, but I can always hope ... right? It's basically going to be me, bawling and him feeling horrible. But I don't blame him and I certainly don't want to hold him back. I care about him too much to do that.

Well, I suppose I should get back to packing,
Night!!

Love,
B

Oh darling, don't leave me.

A friend and I saw Sex and the City last night. It was so good! I cried a lot, and laughed a lot and over all, I thought it was slow paced, and you could tell it took a lot of takes sometimes, but I still loved it. Now, this rumored sequel thing is stupid, and I really hope they don't go through with it. I mean, what's it going to be about? Carrie has a baby, Miranda and Steve renew their vows, Charlotte has another baby and Samantha has lots of sex? Like please, unless one of them dies, I won't be watching it.

During the scene with Carrie and Big laying in bed, reading that love letter book, that one by Beethoven really stuck out in my mind. I would love for someone to write me a love letter. Omg. And then when Big wrote them out to her in emails, BAWLED. haha.

So here's Beethoven's love letter. It's beautiful.

Letter 3

Good morning, on July 7

Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us -
I can live only wholly with you or not at all -
Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits -
Yes, unhappily it must be so -
You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never -
Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves.
And yet my life in V is now a wretched life -
Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men -
At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection?
My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once -
Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together -
Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell.
Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours


♥

B

better in time

Woot!

We finally did our presentation on Global Warming this morning!
It went much more smoothly then I could have hoped, even though we were a couple minutes short on time. All of our content definitely made up for that though. School is still such a drag. I can't get motivated to finish my computer course and my marketing course is so annoying and boring now that I just can not WAIT until next Friday when I'm finally finished this year. I know next year will be harder, but I'm hoping that the new school, and living at home will make a difference in my motivation. But then again, I will be living at home, and it's going to be very hard for me to not to kill people, ahaha. I hate the town I'm from. But it's just one more year. This time next year I'll either be back in Toronto or off to Europe. I've decided it's probably best to stop thinking too far into the further with John and I. It's going to be hard enough if it ends, so it's probably best to just live in the now and see how things from there. It's best not to get too carried away. I don't want to look like a freak when it ends, lol

Well, Danielle is coming over for lunch so I'm going to cut this short! I'll write again soon,

Love,
B

please.

Please,
Don't let me go without a fight.
I need you more than I thought I did.

"Nate, I'm not a chance, I'm a person."

I've recently gotten into watching Six Feet Under and here I am half way through season 2 and in nearly every episode, Nate has me wondering how people would react if I were to tell them I was dying.

Who would rush to be by my side?
Who would be terrified and run away?
Who would be there when I cried?
Who would need me to be there when they cried?
Who would miss me?
Who would be unable to live without me?
Who would be there to comfort me?

Would you?

love is a place

Oh, le sigh.

Another amazing weekend in Halifax with him. We didn't get much alone time, but honestly, it really didn't matter. I find myself falling harder and harder every time I see him and that makes me so scared for the upcoming weeks.

The next time I go to Halifax will be the last time for two months.

The next time I go to Halifax could me the last for me and him.

I really wish the circumstances were different. I really wish I could force him to believe in us like I do. I know he deeply cares about me. He knows I deeply care about him. I wish I could help him see that long(er) distance won't be that bad for only two months and just because I'm moving home in September doesn't mean it's not doable. I just really do not want this to end.

Things never do go the way you wish they would.

As sad as I am about leaving, I'm actually kind of excited just to get the fuck away. I'm considering not going on MSN or facebook for a while while I'm there, just to get away from all the white noise and mess that seems to be happening. I need to lose myself in a new place with new people. Fuck, I don't even care about new people, I just need a change of pace in my life. A job, money coming in, freedom, the sun. Oh, how I want the sun. I'm sick of the rain, the cloudy days, the gloomy days when all you want to do is lay around and do nothing.

Going to Europe when I'm finished school is going to be the best thing for me, I think. I just really hope I do end up going through with it. I think I would be an excellent 'Au-Pair' for any wonderful family. I want to feel like I'm needed and make a difference in people's lives.

Well, I guess that's all for tonight.
I'm much too depressing for blog-writing, hahaha.
Another week of school and it's home for a couple days!
Woot, to having my dad's car this week though!!

Love,
B