I'll come back when you call me.

Things in my life never go as smoothly as I hope.

In September, I decided to move to a new city, and take a Business Administration program through a local community college. I told myself that this town was temporary and that meant that I was planning not to meeting someone and become attached and that I was going to focus on school, for once.

Then, in November, I meet John*.

He was my best friend, Kathleen*'s, roommate and as soon as I started talking with him online, I felt this weird connection. We just clicked, really well. We talked non-stop for a month and then finally met in person. The connection and chemistry was there and I wanted it to happen so bad, but he lives 2.5 hours away. So over Christmas break, my aunt offered me the chance to come live with her in Pickering, Ontario (45 minutes from Toronto) and I jumped at the chance to get out of the Maritimes.

Now, Five months later, John and I are still seeing one another every other weekend and I really do not want things to end. I'm so confused about what I want and what he wants and the more I want things to work out, the more I see that the odds are against us. He doesn't like the distance thing already but add in a couple more hours and however many miles and it's just that much worse. If it were 100% up to me, I would keep things going, but if he's just not in it with me, then there's no point.

He's so amazing though. I think that's what makes this so hard. When I'm with him, I feel like I'm a better person. I know this sounds stupid for only knowing him like for like six months, but I can't help it. He's smart, funny, kind, generous, the list really goes on and on. And I know it's stupid for me to say that I'll never find someone who makes me feel the way that he makes me feel, because I'm only 20 but what if I kind of don't want to find someone else? If I didn't sound like a love-struck cheerleader falling for the captain of the football team back in the 50's then I don't know what it was. haha.

I really just wish I could see into the future, just a couple of months .. just to see what happens, so I know enough to prepare myself for the heartache that seems inevitable.

Love,
B


*Names are changed.